Sometimes family is just another F word

Do you see the people in this picture? These people are my entire world. I would do anything for them. If they needed two new kidney's, I would let them take both of  mine. If they needed a bone marrow transplant, they could have all of mine. They could have the heart from my chest. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I really mean it. My little family deserves way better than me. I'm moody and emotional and am full of OCD and anxiety. When I make them redo the silverware in the dishwasher because my brain tells me the spoons can ONLY go with the other spoons, the forks can ONLY go with the other forks and the knives can ONLY go with the other knives, I try to own my crazy. I say something like, I know I'm crazy, but I really need the silverware to be loaded right or I start to twitch and my brain goes nuts. That's only one of my crazy things. We won't talk about towels or sheets or odd numbers or hangers and how they have to not only be hung in the right direction but they also have to be used in the right order. I know, I'm crazy. There is no denying that. I love the people in this here picture more than life itself. They are my everything and I have told them that when they grow up we will all live on a hill and our houses will go down the hill but be connected by a slide so that we can get to each other's houses as fast as possible. There will be a moving sidewalk at the bottom of our hill to get us back to the top. K has told us his whole life that he is going to build houses for a living. Little B will be his vice president and they are still trying to convince M that she wants to be the interior decorator for them. It all sounds marvelous to me and K is totally excited to build our houses with slides for us.

Read on at your own risk. There will be some people that read this that don't like what I have to say. I'm going to say it anyway. The people in these two pictures are at a close second for my heart space. There are people in both of these groups that I want to scribble out or draw horns on. I am certain that there are people in both of these groups that want to scribble me out or draw horns on me too.  I find it so interesting that I could tell the people in both these groups that they could  have a kidney, as long as my kids don't have both of mine, or they could have a lobe of my liver or any number of body parts; but in the same breath I can say that some of these people make me totally crazy. I have been trying for a year and a half to find forgiveness and move on from something terrible that happened. It didn't even happen to me directly, but it has had a huge impact on my life personally. I have tried to be like the Savior. I have tried to give myself the time it takes to accept that things will never, ever be the same in this life. B and I were talking about things on our date last night and I told him some specific progress I have made and we both agreed that those things were huge steps from where I was even a couple months ago. We were talking about how the progress was made and it was clearly the Savior. I have realized a few things over the last year and a half. The first thing I realized is that everyone needs the Savior. I was thinking of the sin scale, is that even a thing? Probably not, but in my mind, embezzlement is way worse than me sneaking a piece of chocolate, or three, before dinner after telling my kids they have to wait until after we eat. However, in both of those situations, repentance is required and the only person who can do that is the Savior. The repentance process for embezzlement(honestly, I don't even know what that is, I just know it's not a good choice), might be more intense but the Savior would forgive both of us. The quote by then, President Uchtdorf, that says, "don't judge me because I sin differently than you." has been rolling around in my head a lot. We all need the Savior. None of us can make it into heaven without Him. There are things I do everyday that I know I shouldn't. I feel like Christ has every right to tell me enough is enough and that I don't get it. The amazing thing is, that He doesn't. He forgives me every day, so what right do I have to deny someone else forgiveness? Now, don't misunderstand, forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. I can say that I have forgiven, but that does not mean that there is trust again and I don't know if there ever will be total trust. I feel hopeful that I will be able to be around this person again, but I can't say when that time will be and I don't know when I will let our kids be around him. Something else that I have learned is the Christ wasn't always nice. I have been trying to go through this situation and be nice because I wanted to be like Christ. But Christ wasn't always nice. He threw over the table in the temple. He called people hypocrites to their faces. He told his disciples, more than once that they were people of little faith. Fast forward in time to Joseph Smith. It seems like that poor guy was chastised more than he wasn't. Christ was always direct and said what needed to be said. He didn't stand by and silently hope that everything worked out. He didn't beat around the bush. He didn't wait for someone else to say the things that needed to be said. Being silent and complacent is not being Christ like. Of course the biggest difference is that Christ was perfect and so he said things perfectly. Usually I blunder my way through things and I swear when I get really mad. I'm not perfect and in no way am I trying to say that I am. I know that everyone goes through their own process and to expect others to be where I am at or for others to expect me to be where they are at isn't fair. All I'm saying is that the atonement is real. That the Savior can change people and hearts. That family is the only thing that we get to take with us and although there might be people that I want to scribble out and draw horns on today and remind them that right now they're making me feel like they're just another F word, I would still offer them a kidney if I had an extra one lying  around.