Nothing to report

I think about this here blog a lot. I say to myself, "self, you should update the blog." Then I remember that I don't have anything to report. My life is pretty dull and I'm lazy; so lazy that the thought of updating the blog seems like too much work; so I just keep reading my book. Ah, books! How I love them! I don't remember when I started to like to read. I do know that I wouldn't admit to liking it because it was such a nerdy thing to do. Not that I was cool, far from it actually so I don't know really why I didn't just own it. But, my childish ways are behind me and I can say out loud that I do in fact love to read. The perk of having an infant that needs to eat pretty often is that I get to read during the day, guilt free because I read whilst I feel her. I just finished the Lunar Chronicles that my niece, J, recommended to me. Oh. My. Word! They were so so good. They sucked me in and I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a feeding session or two or a lot where the poor little baby was just sucking air from her bottle because the milk was gone; for how long only heaven knows. But, I was so drawn into the book that I didn't notice the milk was gone. I told B when I finished them that I have a problem because I feel like I became a part of the books and the characters are my friends so now that the books are over, I miss my new friends. I know, I have problems and should probably seek counseling. But, the characters are so likable, except for the ca-razy queen. She's just plain psychotic. I loved all four books and wish there was more to read. Aaaanyway, let's see here. What is there to talk about?

 This young lass turned 11. 11! How did that happen? The saying that days and weeks are long but the years fly by is so true. She doesn't want dolls and dress-ups anymore. Now she wants makeup and hair chalk. She wants to be with her friends as often as she can and when they aren't together, she wants to be on the phone with them. I love to watch her grow up but, at the same time it makes my heart so sad. Let's not talk about it, it makes me cry.

This little lady is six weeks old. B doesn't love this picture, but I love that she's awake and just hanging out. A lady in our ward is trying to teach herself how to take pictures of babies and wanted to practice with her. She didn't want any money, just to use our baby. I thought it was a great trade off. Truthfully we got the better end of the deal. We got to keep the pictures and the baby. She's still tiny. She's still in newborn diapers and clothes. 0-3 month size clothes are way too big for her. She smiles a lot, especially when she's sleeping. We all love having her around.

 Here, let me give you some picture proof.

 He was watching her as she slept. When she started to wake up he got all excited and yelled,"She's waking up! I can see her eyes!" 

One day he said,"Oh she's so cute! Her face is so cute! Her eyes are so cute, they are the cutest part of her face."

I had laid her down on her tummy and gone to do dishes or something and when I turned around, they had all gathered around her. It's safe to say that we all love this little one.

What else, what else? Oh! We must have lived here about two years. I'm getting the itch to move. Ever since we left Utah, we've only stayed in one place for two years or a little longer. I saw a picture of New Zealand and toyed with the idea of living over seas. New Zealand looked beautiful and I love the way people talk there. The same week I was thinking of New Zealand I had a group text conversation with my sisters. I. Love. My. Sisters! They are so funny! I love that we can and do talk about everything.We talk about kids and life and weird things that our mom does that we do too. We talk about hiding food from husbands and kids. Which I think is kind of weird, but, if you don't want to share then hide it in an empty tampon box. No one looks in there. We decided that hiding food in ones bra whilst it's on isn't a great hiding spot. We also talk about things I would only talk to a sister about. Nothing too serious, I was still laughing so hard that the other parents at K's basketball practice distanced themselves. After talking with them and laughing so hard I was crying, I threw New Zealand out the window. I need my sisters and I need to live close to them. That's all really. 

I don't have anything else to say. I kind of feel like I'm coming to the end of a phone conversation where neither person has anything else to add and there's that awkward pause because neither of you know how to get off the phone. So, I'm going to hypothetically get off the phone like I do with my siblings. Make it short and sweet and don't give them time to answer when you say,"K, love ya. bye." 

She's here!

I'm not gonna lie, not being pregnant is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I know that there are so many women/families that can't have babies or can't have babies when they want them. My heart truly breaks for them. I feel like that is one of the many injustices in life. However, I am not one of the lucky women that sail through pregnancy. I don't enjoy anything about it and to say that I am so thankful it's over for me would be a gross understatement. M is the only one of our babies that came on her own, that's why she's our favorite. Truthfully, we tell all of our children they're our favorite for one reason or another. M's our favorite because she came 10 days early. K's our favorite because he's so sweet and very empathetic. Little B's our favorite because he was the easiest baby and a champion sleeper. Anyway, since our most recent wasn't coming on her own even though I tried to make her come by doing things like shoveling the driveway, or hacking away at the ice that had formed at the end of our driveway with a shovel. But, to no avail, she was content to stay right where she was. My Dr. took pity on me and induced me. I had to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. I was hopeful that the Dr would come in on his rounds at 7:00 and break my water. I knew that as soon as my water was broken that things would happen really fast. But, the Dr came and went and didn't break my water. That did not fill me with warm fuzzies and feelings of gratitude for said Dr. So, instead of having a baby by 8:00 in the morning, I laid in a hospital bed waiting for the Dr to come back on his lunch and break my water. I told B as we were waiting that I should have brought my own crochet needle and broken my own water. The annoying nurse kept coming in and telling me to get up and walk around because walking would help move things along. Truly I wanted to punch her in the face. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to walk around, that I wanted an epidural and wanted my water to be broken and to have a baby so I didn't have to be heavy with child any more. But, I controlled myself and didn't punch her in the face. Instead I got up and walked around. As you can imagine, walking in circles in a hospital room gets old pretty fast. But, walk in circles for hours is what I did. The Dr. came back on his lunch break and broke my water. I am so happy that I had an anesthesia provider hanging out with me in the room. As soon as the Dr left the room B was all ready to stab me in the back 😀.

 I truly loved that he was able to do my epidural. He did an amazing job! My only complaint was that his hands were freezing! The nurse was weird and was hesitant to take the picture because of stupid HIPPA. But we promised her that we wouldn't sew her or the hospital and so she agreed to do it. She told us that we can't put it on social media because it would get her in trouble. A blog doesn't count as social media right? Aaanyway, the Dr. broke my water at 1:15. B was done with the epidural by 1:30, I was complete and pushing by 2:20 and she was born at 2:36. I tell ya,this body was made to shoot humans out of it's who ha ha!

She was 6 pounds 4 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. Right before she was born the nurse asked me if I wanted to do skin to skin once she was out. I am a horrible mother and I didn't even hesitate before I said,"As long as she's cleaned off. That's disgusting if she's not." The nurse looked at me like I had offended her and all her ancestors. She said that some people really like it. I told her that's fine, but I am not one of those people and I want to hold our baby once she's clean.

We lay our kids next to a stuffed animal and take a picture. We take a new picture of them once a month and then give them the stuffed animal on their first birthday. We should have taken her out of the blanket. She's so tiny but you can't tell because of the bulkiness of the blanket.

On our kids birthdays, we put a happy birthday sign above their bedroom door. We didn't want her to feel left out, so we made a tiny happy birthday sign for her to lay under.

 Our kids were so excited to meet her! When they walked in and saw her, little B came over to her and in a really high pitched voice said,"OHHHHH! She's so tiny! Look at her toes, they are so tiny!" All of us are so happy that she's here. She's a really good baby and only cries if she's hungry or poopy. I feel like we've all adjusted really well to having her around and we all look forward to longer stretches of sleep at night because truthfully, I take being woken up at night as a personal attack and I don't love it that's for dang sure!

It really happened

My dad died last week. My dad, died last week. What a horrible sentence. I still have moments where I don't believe that it happened. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer back in 2005. He had a pretty good handle on it until the cancer metastasized to his bones. A tender mercy that I received is that we lived out of state. I didn't watch him get worse and worse. The memories that I have of him are when he could still walk and talk and be himself. When I think of my dad the first thing that comes to mind is missionary work. He loves the gospel and loves to share it with people. My younger brother works for Delta and so my parents were able to fly all over the world. My dad always took pass along cards or the Book of Mormon with him to give to people. In his mind there was no such thing as a language barrier. He would talk to people in English no matter what language they spoke and I don't think it ever crossed his mind that there would be a chance that they wouldn't have a clue what he was saying. He didn't care if the person he wanted to give a copy of the Book of Mormon to was a very heavily armed Israeli soldier or someone on a subway. He just loved the gospel and knew the power it has to change lives. He also loves his family. I remember the first time I saw true fear in his eyes. He worked on a church welfare farm and once in awhile he would let me go with him to the farm. He had an old truck that he used on the farm. It smelled like hay and dust and the fabric on the seats was kind of itchy, but I loved that white truck! I think I was about four and I was with him on the farm. I told him that I needed to go potty so he took me to the office and told me that he would be down loading feed into the trucks so we could go feed the cows. I told him ok and he left. I used the bathroom and walked down to where I knew he loaded the big truck with the feed. He wasn't there. Instead of looking for him I decided that I would just walk home. I don't really know how long the walk from the farm to our house was but I want to guess that it was about half a mile. I walked down the long gravel road that lead from the farm to the main road, turned left and started walking. I remember being small enough that when a normal sized truck passed me, my head was shorter than the middle of the truck door. I had made it to the corner that was just down the road from our house when a car stopped and asked if I wanted a ride. I said sure and climbed onto the lady's lap. I remember her being a grandma but to a four year old, everyone is a grandma. They asked where I lived and I told them it was the red brick house on the corner. They drove me home and dropped me off. I was playing with a barbie on the kitchen floor a little while later when my dad burst through the door and sprinted up the stairs. As he rounded the corner into the kitchen he yelled, "Is Trudy here?!" I looked up at him as he came into the kitchen and said yes. I will never ever forget the look in his eyes as he scooped me up into a hug. It was true fear. He set me down and told me that he didn't know where I had gone and he had been really scared. I told him that I couldn't find him and so I walked home. He made sure I was ok and then left, still a little rattled, to go back to the farm. Of course being so little I didn't understand the fear he must have felt. Now that I have kids and there have been moments in all three of their lives that I couldn't find them either because they wondered off or I didn't realize they were standing right behind me so I couldn't see them, I understand the panic and worry that he must have been going through. He loved to spend time with us. I love that because of his financial situation, simplicity in life was a necessity. One of our favorite things to do was to go walk around stores. Especially the grand opening of a store. We never bought anything at these stores, just walked around and looked at everything. We also loved to walk along the Provo river trail. Once in awhile the blackberry bushes would have ripe berries on them and we would pick the berries and eat them. As we walked along the trail my dad would grab the hand of whoever was next to him and start skipping. Pretty soon there was a line of Kent's skipping along the trail. If we were really lucky, after our walk we would go to Macey's grocery store and get an ice cream cone. Even if we didn't get ice cream, we all loved going on a walk. My dad had put a swing on one of the huge trees in our yard and I loved when he would come outside and push me on the swing. My older brothers loved baseball and had worn a diamond into the grass of our yard. Sometimes dad would play baseball with us and stop during the game to push someone on the swing and then come back and play baseball until someone else asked for a push on the swing. I love knowing that my dad loved his kids and cherished my mom. There were a lot of nights that he would walk into the living room to where my mom was sitting in her chair reading. Dad would take mom by the hand and pull her to her feet. He would turn on the music and would dance with her. I don't remember a time that my dad didn't kiss my mom when he greeted her. He may not have agreed with her all the time, but I'll never know if he didn't because he never undermined her. If we asked mom something and didn't like her answer and asked dad the same thing he would say something like, "What did mumma say?" or, "Listen to mumma." When he was talking to us about her, he always called her mumma. He never called mom by her first name. She was always referred to as honey or sweetheart. He opened her car door as she got in and he wanted her to stay in the car until he walked around and opened it for her when we got to wherever it was we were going. My dad was not a yeller. I don't remember him ever raising his voice at me or anyone else. You knew if he wasn't happy with you because he would raise his arms to the side, shake his head, sigh and walk away. I hated that! I always felt like I was an inch tall and hated that I had disappointed him. My dad was mostly happy and at the end of a good laugh, as his smile was fading he would say,"so." If you know him you know exactly what I'm talking about. My dad is such a good guy and had about one million cheesy jokes. Once in awhile one of us would tell him an inappropriate joke and if my mom was around he would try to hide his smile, but he couldn't always do it. Sometimes he would pull us aside to tell us a joke that he knew that my mom would not approve of. Even if you didn't like the joke, you liked that dad had this secret side of him so you laughed anyway. He loved to walk up to strangers, especially little kids and ask them if they knew they had 11 fingers. Of course they would look at him weird and then look down at their hands. He would have them put their hands out in front of them and would count the five fingers on one hand. Then on the other hand he would count backwards from ten. So, it sounded like this,"one, two, three, four, five, ten, nine, eight, seven, six. Six plus five is 11 so, you must have 11 fingers!" Everyone loved that one. He could take off his fingers and he could turn his arm to rubber and stretch it so that when he stood a few inches away from a wall, he could pull on his arm until it stretched to touch the wall without moving his feet. He loved to tell his grand kids that his  teeth were like stars, they came out at night. He was the best fe-fi-fo-fummer in the world. I can hear him saying it in my mind and to this day it still fills me with anxious excitement. It makes me want to run to my bed and pull the covers up over my head. I love him so much and can't believe that he's really gone. I can imagine him in heaven walking around talking to everyone and being a powerhouse missionary. My heart breaks for my mom and the years that she has ahead of her. I am so thankful for the gospel and that I know that I'll see my dad again. I am so happy for him to be out of pain and to be healthy again. I miss him a lot and to be at my mom's house and not see dad there didn't feel right. I know time will make us all get used to the idea that he's gone, but right now it hurts pretty bad. I am so thankful for all that he taught me and I'm so thankful that I get to call this giant of a man my dad.

 

Family pictures

As most of you know, B and I were training to run a Ragnar. It's a team relay race that's 200 miles long. There were 12 people on the team and the race was in Hawaii. The race was in October and we had started training for it last year. Truth be told, the reason we told the lady in our ward that we would do it was because we didn't think there was any way that she would find enough runners to make up the 12 man team. Welp, she did. So we started training. We were mostly dreading the race and looking forward to the week after the race that B had taken off of work that was going to be spent in Hawaii, kid free. As we all know, life doesn't go as you plan very often and you end up getting pregnant when you thought that your baby making factory had been shut down. I know there are women that run marathons whilst being heavy with child, but I am not one of those amazonian women. I can't even hold a toothbrush for the first five months of pregnancy, let alone train and run a 200 mile relay race. We sadly had to say goodbye to our Hawaii get away. I thought that the hospital would say that B needed to work since we weren't going to be in Hawaii. But, to my great astonishment, he still got the time off. Sweet! Of course we didn't stay home, we went to Utah for the week. One of the things that we wanted to do while we were there was to take family pictures. I don't love having my picture taken when I look normal. I have an especially hard time taking pictures while I am huge and pregnant. My face gets really fat and I just don't love it. But, my OCD requires that we take a family picture once a year. So, I put on my big girl panties and smiled pretty while trying to suck my cheeks in so that I didn't look like a chipmunk. I know that this will come as a surprise to you, but I tend to take a lot of pictures. I then print them out so that we can look back on things that we've done and remember that we have done fun things as a family and even enjoyed each other's company even though day to day life can make me feel like I want to pull my hair out and live in a padded room. I would like to think that I would pay good money for family pictures, but our beautiful sister-in-law, S does an amazing job and she doesn't charge us a penny. What a rock star right? Oh how thankful we are for the talented people in our lives!

We feel like Utah is so beautiful! Especially in the fall when all the leaves are changing color. We were worried that all the fall colors would be gone because it was so late into October. We were so happy that there was still some fall colors in Provo. 

M noticed this swing under the bridge. I think it was a great find! They were nervous that they were going to fall into the water so I am really happy that we got good smiles from them. At one point they all had to shift a little bit and you would think we had asked them to dive in. There were a lot of protests. But, we have hearts of stone and made them slide over a little anyway.

Next time we take family pictures, she won't be the only girl in the girl picture. She's so excited about a little sister that she has started to paint little B's toenails. He is all too willing to let her do it too. B shakes his head and says it's not great but, I think it's cute.

I love it! Sorry, I digress.

These two are wild and crazy and one in the same. Little B acts just like K. They even make the same kid noises. They usually get along and love to play cars together. They are the only two that know exactly how to play cars right. When little B asks me to play with him, I hear how I'm doing it wrong. So, he stops playing and says that he'll just wait to play with cars until K gets home from school . K used to tell me that I did it wrong too. I honestly didn't know that there was a wrong way to play cars. Clearly there is because out of the mouths of two witnesses I have been told that I don't do it right. We all have things we can improve on so I have added playing with cars to the list. I love my little family so much! I truly am so thankful that we're sealed together and that these people are stuck with me for all eternity!

Summer in a nutshell

As you can imagine, our summer plans were pretty much shot. We had a little trip planned for each month that had to be thrown out the window. By the time August rolled around, poor B needed a break so bad. He had worked all day all summer and then had to come home and take care of four people and dinner and clean the house etc. etc. etc. I just kept praying that we would be able to pull the PICC line out soon and that I would feel ok enough to still be able to do our little trip that we had planned for the end of August. I don't remember what day the PICC line got taken out, I just know that it was before we had planned to leave town. The little's had earned a free ticket to Silverwood amusement park by reading 100 hours for school. Silverwood is about 2 hours away from us and so we started our trip going there. Little B loved it! The little kid area was awesome and there were no lines so he and I hung out there almost all day. He would run from ride to ride.

While he was living it up in the little kid area, B had taken M and K to ride a big roller coaster. We didn't tell them that there was an 85 foot drop and that it went almost 60 mph. We thought it best to leave that information quiet. 

When they got off the ride and came to the little kid area I asked them if they had liked it. Both of them said that they did, but there was no way they were going to go on it again. We feel like there wasn't a whole lot to do unless you loved the big roller coasters or were small enough to still like the little kid rides. Poor M spent a lot of the day hanging out with me just watching K and little B ride on rides.

When K found out that there were bumper boats, he could hardly wait to ride them. I didn't realize that they would be able to squirt each other. B said that little B wanted to be in charge of the water gun and he would get mad at B if he tried to help him with it. I could hear K laughing from across the pond as they had an epic water gun battle.

There was a log ride that all of them were able to go on. Thankfully the line wasn't too long and no one had time to get too nervous and back out.

See that drop behind them? We thought for sure that little B would freak out as they came down that, but he didn't. I know that M looks like she hated it, but she didn't. She says she didn't know that I was taking a picture. I guess me standing there holding the camera and saying, "smile!" wasn't a good enough clue that a picture would soon be taken. Anyway, this ride turned out to be a hit and they went on it more than once.

When we lived in North Carolina, we went to the amusement park there and K saw that they had bumper cars. He was truly heart broken when he found out that he was too short to ride them. To say that he was excited about being tall enough for the ones at Silverwood would be a gross understatement. He was willing to stand in line for 45 minutes to be able to do the bumper cars.

 These cars were a surprise to us. We stumbled upon them as we were walking to another ride. Both the little boys couldn't wait to have a turn. M and I waited for them and thought that they would ride together. We should have known better. Of course K would want to drive his own car.

Little B was not about to sit in the backseat while K drove. He is too little to reach the gas pedal, so B pushed the pedal and little B was able to steer. We had a great day at Silverwood and the boys can't wait to go back.

After Silverwood we went to Montana to see my sister,  T and her family. I love to see our kids play together. They are all close in age and love to hang out together.

I love this picture! T is one of the most laid back people I know. I only remember a couple times of her getting into a huff while we were growing up. She and I can talk and laugh until we're crying. I really thought that it was totally normal for the kids in our family, while growing up, to climb up in the top of the quonset hut and throw little pebbles through the holes onto the cars that were parked and the people inside were making out, on the lake road below us. It was so funny to hear the little pebble hit the windshield or the roof or hood of the car and see the people's heads whip around to see where the noise was coming from. When I tried to talk to T about it, her eyes got big and she asked if I really did that. When I told her yes she about died laughing. She's so saintly that I guess she never did it. It must have just been me and my younger brother, B.  Anyway, I loved being at her house and being able to hang out with her. 

They live about 40 minutes outside of Glacier National Park. We took advantage of them living so close and spent a day there. It's so beautiful! Our kids loved hanging out together.

There are so many beautiful waterfalls and hikes to go on. We all loved being there.

One of the days we were at their house, they took us to a swinging bridge. It was truly terrifying. There was a sign that said five people on the bridge at a time. I was standing there waiting my turn. People got off at the other end, so the group I was going with started across. I was praying the whole time that the bridge wouldn't snap and send me plunging to my death. We had only made it out about five feet when I looked up and noticed a man large in stature starting across the bridge from the other side. As he walked, the bridge started to sway back and forth. I was staring at him like he was a lunatic, because, clearly he was! There were already five people on the bridge. Why did he start to come across?! When he passed me I had to turn sideways so that he could get by. Our five year old niece has no fear and as she walks across this thing, she basically throws her body around to make the bridge swing. What's wrong with people? Just seeing the bridge sent my into an almost hysterical state. Then there are the maniacs that can't count to five or that throw their bodies around to make this death trap swing on purpose. It's not great. That's all I'm saying.

We left their house after a few days and went camping. We had rented a little cabin instead of using our tent.

Staying in this little cabin has forever ruined tent camping. This. Cabin. Was. A-mazing! It had air conditioning and a heater. It had bunk beds, but the bottom was a queen and then it had a futon. So, the fellas shared a bed, M got the top bunk and B and I took the bottom.

There were lights and a table inside. We were able to play games inside at night instead of outside fighting off bugs. We didn't start to bake in the morning like you do in a tent. It was truly a wonderful camping experience. What made it better is that we were the only ones in the entire campground. I had no idea that having an entire campground would fill me with so much joy and happiness, but it really did.

There is a lake at this here state park. Since we were the only ones at the campground, we got to use the dock all day without being in anyone's way.

We found these awesome tubes at Goodwill and these two loved floating around in them. The water was pretty cold, so it was really nice for  them to have something to hold on to.

He wanted nothing to do with full body immersion. B did try it one time hoping that he would get used to it and like it.

This was the result. Not great. Little B was very content to sit on the dock next to me and splash the water with his feet. 

We only camped for two nights and then headed for our last destination. Our final stop was Joseph, Oregon. It's a cute little town with a beautiful lake in the middle. Our plan for Joseph was to see what was there.

We rode the tram to the top of a mountain. At the top we got out and walked around the little trails that were there.

We found a spot where the chipmunks would eat out of their hands. I know that we shouldn't feed wild animals but, it was so cute that we couldn't help ourselves. 

After our tram ride we walked across the street to a miniature golf course and went golfing. 

We loved when this young buck walked onto the golf course. K started laughing and told us that the deer must want to play golf too.

We ended the day by stopping at the lake and throwing rocks in. Our little trip went by too fast and it was hard to come home and get kids ready for school. Even though most of the summer was a total bust, we had a great week together and made so many good memories!

I'm sorry Doctor, what did you say?!

I have thought about this post for a long time. Wondering what to say and how to express myself without sounding awful. I don't know how to do it, so here goes nothing. Folks that read this that are under the age of 12, Cass, I'm talking to you, be warned. Even folks over the age of 12 be warned. I have been told that I say what comes to mind and that's not always a good thing. If you don't want to read on about a certain medical condition we are currently going through, then stop reading. It all started back in April. I just didn't feel that great. I wasn't sick sick, I just didn't feel super. I remember one morning when I went running and I truly felt like my legs weighed a thousand pounds. I made it about half a block before my inner battle of stopping or keep running started up. I only ran three miles that day and really thought that my life was going to end before my run did. It was awful. I was also having pain in body parts that shall remain unnamed. I  talked to B about the pain and he said that usually that kind of pain means pregnancy. I told him I already knew that but I had Essure done six weeks after little B was born. For those of you that don't know what Essure is, it's a permanent form of birth control. There are metal coils at the end of my Fallopian tubes. Scar tissue has grown around the coils, turning said coils into a plug so that nothing can get by. We were told that Essure is as effective and having my tubes tied without having to have surgery. Essure makes it so there's a 0.01% chance of pregnancy and it could be done in the Dr's office. Enough textbook talk, back to the story. By the third week in May when I still felt crappy and was still having sore body parts, I knew it was time to take a pregnancy test. I love the dollar store for so many reasons. One of them is that you can get pregnancy test's for a buck! I bought it, came home and took it and burst into tears. I am sure that you can imagine the results. I called the Dr and through tears told the sweet little secretary that I had just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive, but I had Essure done three years ago. I told her I was sorry for crying, but I was freaking out. She told me that the Dr would want to see me and asked if I could be there in 20 minutes. I said yes, loaded up little B and the extra kid we were watching and went to the Dr. He told me that they needed to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, that the baby was in my uterus and not my tube. He didn't think I was far enough along for an ultrasound so he had me go to the lab and have blood drawn to check some kind of level. He told me they would call me that afternoon to let me know if the numbers were high enough to mean that they could do an ultrasound. Of course this was happening on the day that my parents were flying in for K's baptism. B was at work when I took the test. I didn't want to tell him in a text so I was waiting to tell him in person. I had to fake feeling good when I got my parents from the airport. Smells are really bad for me when I'm pregnant. Everyone and everything stinks. My parents are no exception. Hugging them was really hard because of their smell. Don't misunderstand, they aren't hobo's or anything like that, I just can't stand smells. Even B smells awful when I'm pregnant. It's nothing personal, that's just the way it is. Anyway, I got my parents home to our house and we did lunch. The Dr's office called saying the numbers were high enough so I needed to be back at three to do an ultrasound. I still hadn't had a chance to talk to B yet, I was on the verge of tears, I didn't feel good and everyone around me smelled disgusting. I told my mom that I had had a Dr's appointment before I picked them up. She asked what kind of appointment. I lied and told her it was just a check up. I know, I know. Telling my mom a lie is awful, but I needed to talk to B before I talked to her and I still didn't know if it was even a viable pregnancy. Anyway, I told her that they had goofed on some labs, so I needed to go back in. I asked if I could leave kids with her and dad and go to the appointment. She said yes and off I went. While the lady was doing the ultrasound, the Dr walked in. He stared at the screen and said,"There's a baby in your uterus." The room was totally silent and he said,"How does this happen?" I said,"There is a moment of pure insanity, and you have sex." Both he and the ultrasound lady laughed. I wasn't laughing. He told me he knew that, but how did I get pregnant? I was in total shock and didn't have anything to say. They Finished with the ultrasound and I was walking out of the office. The Dr patted my shoulder and said,"I want to congratulate you on your amazing pregnancy powers." I just shook my head and left. Right then B texted and told me that he was done with work. I called him and told him that I was just leaving the Dr's office. He asked which Dr. I told him and he asked why I was there. When I told him he said,"Are you serious?!" I said yes and there was a long pause on his end of the phone. Shock is a good way to describe it. After a minute he asked how we were going to hide it from all the people that were coming that weekend for K's baptism. I told him I didn't know. He told me he knew that as soon as I saw my sister, T, that I wouldn't be able to hide it. He knew that I would start to cry when I saw her and that she would know what was going on. He was right of course. She walked into our house, saw me laying on the couch and said,"What's wrong? Are you pregnant?" I burst into tears and it was all over. I hate being pregnant. Truly. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to be done with three. Little B is old enough that we can go on vacation and we don't need to worry about his naps or packing ten tons of baby gear. We had summer all planned out with vacations once a month to see family and do our own things too. Now I knew that I was going to be spending the summer on the couch. I hate the feeling of knowing that our kids were going to be neglected because I can't take care of them when I'm pregnant. I can't take care of myself. I hate that B has to work all day and then come home and take care of me and the kiddos. I hate that I can't take care of my family. No cooking or cleaning or holding them when they get hurt or just need attention. No sleeping in the same bed with B because he smells too bad and I can't stand when he moves. Instead I am tied to the couch with either a feeding tube or a PICC line just trying to stay alive. I feel like it makes our kids grow up so fast because, if they want something to eat during the day, they have to get it themselves. I do try and help, but have no energy. I tried to brush my teeth one time after I had thrown up and I couldn't hold the toothbrush because I was too weak, the toothbrush was too heavy. When people tell me it's in my head I want to scream at them that they're insane. Why would I choose that?

I know it's not the best picture, but it's the only one we got of the day I got my PICC line. I was 7 weeks along and had lost enough weight that the Dr wanted to do something. The dietitian wanted to do a feeding tube but B told her that I throw them up, so she agreed to the PICC line. They kept me overnight to get everything set up with the pharmacy so B could get the supplies and be my home health nurse.

B would come home from work and draw up the stuff to add to the TPN and then hook up the PICC line. The PICC line took 14 hours to run. So, it started in the afternoon and then B would turn it off the next morning before he went to work. 

One day I had to do another ultrasound. I don't remember why the Dr wanted one. Anyway, the ultrasound lady freaked out when she saw me. She said that I needed fluids and that I needed to go to the hospital. I said I was fine and that I just needed to go home. She insisted that I needed fluids so she had my friend who had driven me to the appointment take me to the hospital to get fluids. I tried telling them I just wanted to go home. I was overruled and ended up at the hospital. My Dr was out of town, so another Dr approved the fluids and they hooked me up. While I was getting fluids a nurse came in and asked if I was ok. I told her I was as good as can be expected. She asked if I ever had thoughts about hurting myself. I told her no. She asked if I ever thought about hurting my kids. I told her no. She said ok and left the room. She came back a few minutes later to tell me that the social worker was going to come in and talk to me. I told her that would be swell. The social worker came in and told me that she heard that I had a suicide plan all written out and was wanting to carry out my plan. I was so shocked that for a minute I didn't know what to say. I have no idea where she heard that. I told her it wasn't true and she started drilling me on what I do all day. When I said that I shower, she asked why. I kind of looked at her weird and told her, "because I can't stand my own smell, so I shower everyday." She said,"Oh that's good. Usually people who are really depressed won't shower, so that's really good that you get in the shower." I told her I wasn't depressed, I just didn't feel good. She told me to keep telling her about my day. I told her that what I do all day is throw up. That's it in a nut shell. After a minute she said,"Ok, I don't think you're depressed. I think you're just really sick and throw up all day. Here's my card and if you feel like you need someone to talk to, you can call me." I told her thank you and as she walked out the nurse walked in. She said that the first bag of fluids was gone. She asked if I just wanted to take the second bag home and do it there. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I told her yes and we left. We don't have an IV pole, so B put a nail in the wall and hung the fluid in the nail. The TPN in in the pink bag behind my head.

Every Tuesday I had to go to the hospital and have the dressing around the PICC line changed. Since B was at work most Tuesdays, ladies from our ward would take me to the appointment. One Tuesday morning a nurse came into the room and asked if I was feeling any better. I told her maybe a little. She kind of laughed and said,"Well you sure don't look any better." I'm glad she's a nurse because clearly her people skills are amazing and she knows exactly what someone wants to hear. 

B was able to pull the PICC line out after I had had it for 8 weeks. I wish that the PICC line was magic and made it so I wasn't sick once it was out, but no such luck. I am sick the entire pregnancy. The worst part is over. I feel so much better than I did earlier on, but I still feel crappy. I imagine what I'm feeling is like normal morning sickness. I'm nauseous all the time, nothing sounds good to eat, and I'm always tired. Some days are for sure worse than others. People have asked me how I feel about another baby. For a long time I was in denial. I just kept waiting for the Dr to tell me that there was no heartbeat, that the baby had died. At one appointment the Dr told me that because of my advanced maternal age, there were a lot more risks for birth defects and problems. I told him that this wasn't planned. We didn't plan on having any more kids. We didn't want an almost four year gap between little B and another baby. We thought that we were done. For awhile I was really mad that I was pregnant. There isn't a lot about being pregnant that I like. Ok, I can't think of anything about pregnancy that I like. My mom tells me a lot,"at least the baby is worth it." I'm going to risk sounding totally awful but,  I have a really hard time with newborn's. All they do is cry and not sleep. They don't care who's holding them as long as the person holding them is bouncing or walking. They don't care who feeds them as long as they're getting food. I worry a lot about postpartum. I had a really hard time after M was born. It was a really dark time in my life and I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy. I will say that as time has gone on with this pregnancy, I don't feel mad anymore. I just wonder why it happened. I know that I shouldn't wonder because there's no answer but, I do. I wonder why it happened when it did. If it was going to happen, why didn't it happen when little B was younger so there wouldn't be such a big gap? I could probably come up with a million why questions but there's no point. Our kids are super excited and have name suggestions almost every day. I am to the point that I am excited for another one, once we're past the newborn stage. As we all know, time will pass, we'll all adjust and I'm sure we'll wonder how we ever thought our family was complete without this little baby.